suicidal ideation – Page 2 – i will grow from this

I’m still here

The heartbreak of RBG dying, America’s justice system failing Breonna Taylor, thinking about what’s at stake with the election on November 3rd… it’s been really difficult to post about my struggles because compared to women being terrified of losing their rights, systemic racism, and a piece of shit president who does something everyday that makesContinue reading “I’m still here”

I’m not living..

This afternoon I decided that I was done fighting for my life. I convinced myself that my family would be better without me, the guys wouldn’t have to be burdened with it all, my kids would still be fiercely loved and supported by friends and family… And then Wren came into my room and said,Continue reading “I’m not living..”

The daily stuff

This morning I took a shower, ate breakfast, drank coffee, has 2 zoom meetings with Wren’s school—doing my best to fake a smile—and that is all I have left in me today.. I will be in bed for the rest of the night. The fight to stay alive is getting harder. I will be safeContinue reading “The daily stuff”

Trigger warning: suicidal thoughts

Here are the unglamorous parts of depression that I was experiencing yesterday: A LOT of crying, for hours. My 6 year old bringing me a box of tissues, telling me it’s going to be okay. Of course it’s sweet but I hate it that my 6 year old is the one comforting ME. Dropping theContinue reading “Trigger warning: suicidal thoughts”

How much more can I take?

I felt happy and positive for 1-2 hours today.The rest of it I’ve been sobbing, fighting suicidal ideation AGAIN.Waiting to hear back from my doctor.We’ve used all the money donated for ketamine infusions.I don’t know what happens next but I feel like my heart is breaking, how much more can I take?I’m safe and willContinue reading “How much more can I take?”

Treatment resistant depression

I woke up at 6:30 with my three-year-old, and snuggled him on the couch, 30 minutes later my six-year-old woke up and joined her brother on my lap while we watched paw patrol. My little ones can be so very sweet, telling me that they love me multiple times a day, or like my sonContinue reading “Treatment resistant depression”

hour by hour

What a crazy time we are living in. My depression is continuing to be more severe to the point that I’m barely functioning and yesterday I had to weigh the options of admitting myself to the hospital because of passive suicidal ideation* and risk exposure to COVID for myself and the people I’m close to,Continue reading “hour by hour”